Unicorn Meat is Here!
Excellent source of sparkles!
Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don't know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn's coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn. As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn's outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes in each bite. We are confident you will find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of scrumptious unicorn meat. Unfortunately, due to restrictions on the importation of mythical processed meatstuff, we are unable to bring you Canned Unicorn Meat in the way the Sisters of Radiant Farms intended. When you open your can, you will find one tiny unicorn which has been appropriately sliced into its main cuts of meat. Simply use your Growth Ray to enlarge the unicorn before skinning it and processing its flesh. Or if you're lazy, just bring it to your local Mad Scientist-Butcher. He'll know what to do.
How does this delicacy taste? Let's see how one connoisseur describes it.
"I was a bit skeptical at first, but the easy to prepare recipe on the back of the can convinced me that unicorn could be quite delicious if prepared properly." Another continues, "This is top quality, prime unicorn, 100% white meat with very little horn. I would recommend searching for a few scattered horn bits among the sparkles when first removing the meat from the can. Other than that, the meat is good to go. The next day I used the leftovers to make a cold cubed unicorn salad with mayonnaise, capers, scallions, and chopped celery for lunch. My entire family, except my 8 year old daughter, enjoyed it."
Another fan of the horned meat says, "Of course this isn't as good as fresh, but who has time to hunt unicorns these days? I'm a busy professional so I don't have the luxury of just grabbing my bow and quiver and spending days in the high glens hunting fresh 'corn. This product allows me to come home from a hectic day and enjoy a meal packed with that special nutrition only unicorn can provide. I even keep a few cans at the office for those late nights."
In journalistic fairness, we feel obligated to present at least one opposing viewpoint which comes to us from the PETU, (People for the Ethical Treatment of Unicorns):
Don't order this product if you have a conscience. The unicorns in the industrial unicorn farms live in appalling conditions, in many cases worse than those of the infamous pegasus ranches. Don't believe the propaganda of Ms. Sparkle Brite and the other tycoons of big unicorn; all that awaits these poor creatures is the slaughterhouse and the rainbow factory. Be ethical and buy (kosher) dragon meat instead.
Unicorn meat can be found online or at any mythical creatures gourmet shop. A holiday unicorn recipe book is scheduled to be released later this Fall.
